Sunday, January 22, 2006

I'm sad. I'm crying.

Why, tell me, why must family be apart during Chinese New Year? Forget the festivities, forget those noisy firecrackers, Chinese New Year is about family. So why can't we be together and just please try to be happy?

Ne ne wouldn't want us all to mope around and be sad. She wouldn't.

I want to be with family this New Year. And that means my family in KL and my family in Kuching. I don't want us to be separated. But things aren't going as planned.

There's no sense whatsoever in having to call your parents to wish them Happy Chinese New Year if things can be helped. Unless I'm stuck in southern Mongolia or somewhere equally remote, I wouldn't let that happen.

People keep asking me, why am I not going to be in Kuching during CNY?

I want to be home, darn it, I really, really do! CNY in Kuching is... a familiarity. It's something I treasure. But this year, inevitably, will be different. I wouldn't be able to go anywhere to visit, because Chinese custom dictates that the first year after a funeral, you don't celebrate CNY.

Please, guys, understand. I want, but I can't. Ben, Jess, G, Jase, Edi, Feli, and all my other much beloved friends, I want to be here. I miss all of you guys a lot too, especially those I don't get to see much so how? I wouldn't get to see you guys for some time - a year at least this time, if all things go as planned.

And besides, my other grandmother's in KL. How can I not be there with her, with them, after all that's happened here? One year is an awful long time you know. Anything can happen in a year. And God knows if I had known that last year's CNY would've been Ne Ne's last celebration, I would have done a million and one things differently.

But it's all too late now, and I can't change anything. But the future's still in my hands. I can still spend this New Year with my other grandmother, who would also be mourning the loss of her sister. But at least I'll be with my grandmother.

I'm scared, really scared that if I don't spend CNY with my grandmother, I might not get a chance next year. Call me anything you want, but I'm not taking any chances.

On the other hand though, if my parents aren't around as well, what's the point?

I don't know what's going to happen. I'm all choked up over this. I just want this to be over and done with.

Don't cry, Carol. Or it'll be the second time today.


At 1:40 AM, Blogger silveraven said...

we'll do our visiting before you go off. =) more pics to take too!

At 4:47 PM, Blogger Daryl K said...

never look back and regret. Life's too full of decisions anyways. There's no right or wrong, but do what u feel is the best for you. U've alr made up ur mind to go KL.. go for it.I'm sure ur parent's will understand.

all the best and remember that something you can't see doesn't mean it isn't there. The person you lost, will always be there with you :)

take care.

At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes yes yes, but you're forgetting that BERNARD CHIA will be in cameron!

At 2:36 AM, Blogger carol said...

was that supposed to be of significance? ahahaha..... ;)

At 3:50 AM, Blogger carol said...

babypup: thanks. I suppose sometimes things just don't go the way you want them to. That's when romans 8:28 comforts the most. :)

At 7:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looking for information and found it at this great site... » » »


Post a Comment

<< Home