Sunday, October 23, 2005

Okay. I've lots of thought pouring through my head at the moment, so bear with me. Bear with this. It's going to a ranty, thoughtful post fraught with wonderings and slight insecurities. But don't be worried by it. I'll be fine. God always sees to that. It's just that I need to get this off my chest.

I was talking to Jason, one of the lawyers in my church yesterday as he was arranging the chairs. I was taking a break from piano practice and was holding a copy of Deception Point as I talked to him. We talked about many things, my lawyer dreams, a legal situation etc.

He asked me why I wanted be a lawyer, and I gave him my reasons. We talked a bit more, then he suddenly made this statement:

'Yeah, you seem like the type who likes to help people. You delight in helping people.'

I smiled and said,'Yeah. I do. But sometimes it's not good.'

After the conversation, I found myself thinking over his statement and my reply to it. It is true you know. I do love to help people. I delight in helping them, seeing them smile, knowing that I made that little of an impact in their lives.

However it's harmful. You see, over the course of time, I've seen how some people treat me when they need my help, and how the would when they don't. I've seen how easily they forget what I've done.

And I feel deeply hurt by it.

Oh I understand that I cant expect everyone to be like I am, and how I would react to certain situations etc. But I do at least expect a shred of decency and courtesy. Is that too much to ask?

I'm not asking for BaskinRobbins or Haegan Dazs. Im just wondering if you could have dinner with me because I've no one to have dinner with me tonight. Is that too much to ask?

I do feel underappreciated sometimes. It's just one of those things I need to overcome, really. I look around and I see people who do so many things for others knowing that people aren't probably going to be that thankful for them, but still doing it anyway. Why? Because they love those people.

PC loves us with all her heart. That's why she goes to such lengths to ensure that the ROCK Zone and SNL runs smoothly. Young people are her passion. She lives Kingdom, breathes Kingdom, sleeps Kingdom and eats Kingdom. I'm serious. And that's why she's impacted and shaped so many lives, though her bluntness has caused her to be misundertood. But we love her anyway, because of who she is.

Sharon takes care of so many people, and she learns from PC as well. She's so thoughtful, always buying little gifts for us. The shirt I wore for the show? She bought it for me, as well as countless other things. And she always takes time out for us. Dropping in on discipleship to see how we're doing. Encouraging us.

Ally. Just those four-letters alone symbolise a person who's guided me through so much these past two years. Putting up with me when I was still this arrogant I-think-I-know-it-all girl new to KL. Exhorting me, encouraging me. She's done so much.

And yet, so many of us don't appreciate them enough.

So who am I to expect and want others to appreciate me? I need to first learn to appreciate my leaders even more. I need to learn to love others more than I love myself, because that's what Christ did. Love is a powerful driving force. I'm learning that. That's why I do what I do. But the love I have now is not enough, because it is not yet the kind of sacrificial love that gives and expects nothing in return. That kind of love I need to learn from the one who is Love himself.

Sigh. I had a million and one things to say about this but it's evaporated from my mind. Which is just as well. Too much and the Devil would be hopping around my mind like a fiendish, hyperactive child on too much candy. And I will not let that happen.

I've still got lots of issues to settle with God. Lots of things to get out of in my bid to become who God wants me to be. Emotions to deal with. Thoughts to put aside. Changes in mindset.

I truly, truly, want to be able be who God wants me to be. I will do whatever it takes to do so. It might be painful, but the end result is worth it. A pruned rosebush always bears forth more beautiful roses.

Thoughts and emotions are still flooding my being at the moment. In times like this, I know that I need to get back to my room and have a good session with God and allow Him to speak into my life.

Would you breathe new life...breathe new life in me...


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At 7:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the invitation. I don't know if I can attend ur church but I will definitely meet you up some time. I'll love to visit ur church but I've seriously got a lot of catching up to do in KL. I've known groups of people from different churches who came here to minister in these 2 yrs. And coz we've develpoed a warmth frenship between us I must meet up with them=)The most recent group came during the ISCF Camp in June and we had to spend a lot of time with them coz as committee we have to 'entertain' our guests. Haha. Apart from that we had YWAMers which is based in Hawaii too.

This year has been really packed. Preachers have come, non-stop. So we've been kept busy whenever they're youth speakers. And with the camps coming up, yea gonna be very busy. Oh for your info, we have three pastors for college camp this year. Our speaker is Ps Frankie Khoo from Penang who is known for his long 'spiritual attenna', Chris Long who came to receive a prophetic word from Ps Frankie--yea the siao siao pastor=P and a pastor-friend Pastor Benjaminwho is Ps Frankie's mentee. Ps Ben will be coming for our youth camp..he was introduced here coz I've known him and yea..he seems to suit Uncle Mervyn..they can do things no one can imagine. And coz he REALLY wanted to ome over, it's like paiseh la dun invite him..haha. So yea fun's on our way.

Oh, I noticed that you're really enjoying urself in ur church there, eh? I know that's like you feel so proud of ur church that u'll allow no one to say even a single thing against it..haha.

Yea I'm going for PS..actually i wasn't sure if I shud go coz it will be for three full days and it will be rather tiring, plus I'll be on duty. What with camp preparations to do..I think I'm gonna drop dead if not for God's grace=) But most of all I'll have to miss one week of EmBaCY. It wont be that bad if not for what God is doing now, these few weeks. The presence of God was so awesome it's like you dun wanna miss it. Even Victor and Paulus (the lao langs) who came last night stayed till very late.

Heh, yea will love to catch up with you soon. I'll arrnge my time k? I've got to meet several pastors (youth pastors) but I'll arrange my time..errmmm maybe we can go shopping together?haha.



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