Saturday, November 12, 2005

Okay, I'm calmer now. I just needed to rant.

SNL, I miss you. People in KL, I miss you guys loads, and I wanna give all of you a huge HUG for the support you've been sending me across the South China Sea.

I want to be in any situation other than the one I have now - that of a very sick grandma, with a deadline on Wednesday looming over my head.

If you want me to be totally honest, this whole situation could very well screw up my entire semester, because the policy in LUCT is 'miss the assessment and fail the semester'.

But heck, if you're asking me to leave my family at this crucial moment so that I can fly back to KL.... you're jolly well mistaken. Fail me if you will. I don't mind repeating this semester, because I didn't learn much, anyway. Not when I'm in this crappy class with ultra-slow people.

Anyway. My uncle just called with the news that grandma has developed a fever. Crap. I should have mentioned it to the nurses earlier. Her forehead felt hot, but the temperature control (friggin' machine) claimed she had a normal temperature. Pfffttt.... Nothing beats the palm-against-forehead temperature test okay! ;)

Anyway, I kept vigil at the hospital yesterday night with my dad. And after a nap at home from 9+ till noon, I went around town in an effort to salvage my semester. Went back to the hospital around 4.00pm, and I've been there since then.

I've met a cousin sister whom I never knew existed, and seen relatives I've not seen for more than a decade. People have been popping out from all corners of the globe, or at least, SouthEast Asia to see my grandmother.

God, thank You so much for sustaining me through this trying time. I place everything into Your loving hands.

Making an early trip to the hospital tomorrow befoe going to church. After that, a trip downtown to salvage more of my semester. Then the hospital again.

I'm trying to download Illustrator CS from, but it's taking an eternity to download the 151.1mb file. I should try to search for the software tomorrow when I'm in town.

Nothing much to write, about really. I've never seen my grandmother in the helpless state she's in at the moment. She's got so many tubes fed into her body, and the only reason she's still alive is because of the ventilator they've gotten her hooked up to. She lies there on the bed, only capable of blinking, nodding, shaking, and beating her hands against the bed when she's frustrated. And how it breaks my heart.

All those 'what if' and 'why didn't I' questions are plaguing me, but there really isn't much I can do about it, right? I wouldn't let those questions and guilt hold me hostage. Sure, there is more I could have done, perhaps, but I know I've done my best.

In this time when emotions run high and tempers are short, I need to be strong. Strong for my father who is distraught by the possibility of him losing his mother, strong for my mum who has been going to and fro the hospital while having to balance a busy schedule for her own work. Strong for my sister who's only 13 and slightly terrified at the prospect of her first close encounter with death in a while.

Meimei, sorry for not listening to you just now.

Lord, please grant me the strength that comes from you alone.


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