Tuesday, November 15, 2005

This is going to be a brutally honest post. It is going to be fraught with emotion. If I were still my old self, it could well be full of swear words. But it won't be. Because I'm not my old self anymore. But still, raw emotion.

I am scared for my semester. There. I've said it. Are you satisfied yet, knowing that I might fail?

I hate failure. I really do. Right from that first moment I scored that 7 in my very first Add Maths test. Carol - failed!

Yes, maybe I looked upset in school. But heck, you don't know half the story. You don't know the beating my pride got when I realised that that was it. Carol has become a fail student. From a relatively good student to a fail student.

So then I bucked up. Because I was determined to not be labelled as a failure any longer. Hooray! SPM was not bad.

In those times, I had control. I knew that if I really tried, I could do it. But now?

I can't do zilch about the black hole my semester is headed to. I can't do ANYTHING about the fact that the frigging assessment is on Wednesday and I can't be there. Do you know how terrified I am about the prospect of failing? I AM SCARED, DARN IT!

You just might as well slap a bright neon sign on me that says 'Failure of FRD4'

I am doing my boards here, yes, but there's the whole issue of the sewing thing waiting for me in KL. I've missed out on 5 work days now, thats 120hours of work. Do you know what can be done in 120 hours? Failure can be averted, that's what.

I sat in one of the little courtyards in GH just now and just cried. The stress was just piling down on me. This is the first time I've cried since coming home. I didn't cry the day I got the phone call, as I was making the arrangements etc. I almost did, but I didn't.

I didn't cry when my dad did because he was scared of losing his mum. Neither did I when my sister cried.

But today. Today, with all the stress of my grandma becoming weaker and weaker, and the looming Wednesday deadline, I broke down. I completely broke down.

I hate failure. I can't stand it. And I hate the idiotic college which refuses to understand and allow me to have my assessment later on. What the heck is wrong with them. Oh, maybe if I give them some money they'll allow that to happen. After all, we are talking about money-sucking LUCT here, aren't we?

I have classmates who do zilch work every semester, but just because they go to the assessment with a garment they didn't sew themselves, they pass. I have people who've had their deadlines extended by TWO FRIKIN WEEKS and yet still did not opt to grab ahold of that chance and pass. They deserve to fail.

I don't.

I don't friking deserve to fail because I am a student who goes to all my classes, minus the few I've skipped...and my occasional lateness. I hand up my assignments on time. I do my work well.

But you see, those little things only constitute, oh say, 40% of the entire semester. Which in itself is NOT ENOUGH, darn it, because the other 60% comes from the assessment.

Meaning that I could be the largest slacker on earth for a good part of the semester, appear during assessment with a tailor-made garment, and a friend-done presentation board and still pass. Now which part of this makes sense to you?

PC is super strict about the people who serve in 1am. If our grades go anywhere below a C, poof, that's it. We're on probation. Cannot serve until we pull it up. How? How, you tell me?

Where am I going to show my face huh? Carol does not fail!

I am so scared, darn it. Why can't this just be a bad dream? And why at this time of my semester? God, why? Why did You choose to allow this to happen at this super-crucial part of my semester?

I just want to hide under my flowered comforter in my new room in Vista Prima and wish that all these were just a bad dream.

I want to be back in KL, where I feel like I belong. I want to be one of those lunatics who go for a yum cha session at 2am in the morning. I want to press the elevator button and tap my foot impatiently as the slowest elevator on earth arrives.

I want to be able to go over to Aaron's place and just hang out. Talking to the people there, being bullied, but hey, at least I'm happy.

I want to wait for the 21 Metrobus that takes 40minutes to complete a 10minute journey to church. I want to get off that bus, walk 300metres to the church, press that oh-so-familiar button and wave crazily at the security camera as I wait for them to buzz me in.

I want to walk into the church office, say hi to Sharon, PC, NaiYee, and Steven. Walk pass pastor's room and give him a wave. Kel's office.

Go into the sanctuary and fiddle around with the Karma. Tinkle on the Roland. Yak with Nai Chen at the soundbooth.

Jump around during SNL, cheer during the word. Socialise with people before heading off for supper at Everyday. Coming home, and watching a little TV, yak with Lizzie before settling down for a night's work.

In short, I want to be anywhere but here.

God grant me the strength.....


At 6:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey.. I'm going through the same thing too.
It's so painful and hurts so much that I have broken down and cry too many times to count.
Recently, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Seriously.
Let's just support and pray for each other.
I feel weak.
Maybe we can at least support one another. =)
Wished I could see you while you are/were in Kuching.
All the best and God bless..

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