Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Yeah, I'm back from Cameron. But more on that later. Serious post ahead.

About two years ago, right after SPM, I was in a serious dilemma. I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn't know where to pursue it. At that point in time, I had my heart set on going to RMIT Melbourne to study fashion. I had everything planned out - where I would stay, how I would juggle the finances, what I would do after completing my advance dip.. etc. Heck, I even had my acceptance letter from RMIT.

But then, God spoke. It happened during the EmBaCY camp in 2003. I was really confused because my parents weren't too enthusiastic about my brilliant plans. They didn't think that I was ready to walk into Big Bad Melbourne all by myself, without any relatives there etc. To make things worse, the Aussie dollar shot up into the stratosphere.

But one night, the last night, if I'm not mistaken, the Holy Spirit really swept powerfully through the room. Most of us were struck down, and I recall lying down there on the floor, crying, asking God what were happening to my plans.

I didn't want to study in KL then.. I mean, hello? KL vs. Melbourne? Of course Melbourne hands down, right? But then I heard that still small voice saying:
Three years in KL, Carol, and that's also all you have left with your grandmother.

I was terrified. Three years? That was all I had left with my much-beloved maternal grandmother? In that moment, my mind was made up. If three years was going to be all my grandmother had left, then I would be as close as possible with her - in KL.

It's my third year, everyone. My final year in college. And I am being reminded that if what I heard wasn't just some figment of my imagination, this is the last year of my granny's life.

Especially during this CNY. She is so, so weak this year! She couldn't even make it to reunion dinner, nor for the Cameron trip, she eats just a few tablespoonsful of porridge... just so weak! And when I saw her just now, I was so terrified.

Lord, you said three years! This is just the beginning of the three years! Are you pulling her away so quickly? I'm not prepared yet, Lord, I've barely gotten over the death of my paternal grandmother!

Could I please just have some more time with her? I really don't know how prepared I am to face another death, more rounds of care, another still white body lying in the casket. I really don't know if I can do it.

At the very least, Lord, remember what my greatest wish has always been? I just want granny to be able to see me graduate. That's in January next year. Can? At the very least? And maybe one more Chinese New Year where she's in good enough health to have reunion dinner with us? Could I please? I know You can do it!

I really, really don't know if I can go through this.


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