Monday, August 29, 2005

Warning: This is a dream. Okay, more like a nightmare. So's not real.

I had a nightmare this morning that I got pregnant.
Like, wtheck?! How on earth did I even get pregnant in the first place?! All I remember is (somehow or other) getting pregnant (no doubt by some idiot pervert) and delivering a little baby girl.

It was so real. Terrifying, really. Though it was a dream, I could vividly feel the turmoil of emotions running through me. I felt so alone, so scared. I was so sad because I felt that I'd disappointed my parents.

Keeping it a secret from my parents was the hardest part, though it wasn't so hard considering that I was still in KL then.

After I delivered the little girl, I had to come back to Kuching for a holiday. So what I did was to hide my little girl in my room in KL and come home. Not letting her be taken care of by anyone, no food, no anything. So I suppose, in a sense, I'd abandoned her.

So there I was, a new mother, back in her hometown without her parents or anyone knowing that they were grandparents.

It was torture. I was so anxious about the wellbeing of my little girl, yet so scared of telling my parents. Until one night when I was with my mum, sleeping together with her.

I started crying, and she asked me what was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to tell her, and it took her quite awhile to persuade me. Finally, I managed to whimper, 'Mummy, I have a little girl.'
She didn't say anything, but just asked gently, 'Where is she now?' as if she had known something like this all along.
In KL, mummy, all alone in my room and I'm so worried about her!' At this, I just burst out in a flood of tears as my mum held me.

I woke up crying, anxious, feeling so alone. My mum who was next to me (I was with my mum yesterday night) woke up immediately, being the mother that she is, and calmed me, asking me what nightmare I had.

Though it was a dream, I couldn't bring myself to tell her what occured.

The emotions were so real, people. I found myself checking my memory to confirm that I

1.was not pregnant
2.never was pregnant
3.did not leave a little baby girl in KL.

I have no idea what the significance of the dream was, but I think I have one message I want to carry to everyone who comes by this site.

DON'T do anything silly, girls, and get yourself pregnant beforehand.
Yeah, I know, they say that all the time. But if you could feel what I felt during the dream (and goodness, that was SOME dream), then trust me, you don't want to feel that in real life.

The anxiety. The overwhelming guilt. The sadness. The fear.

I was so scared that my little girl had died in that dream nightmare because I hadn't left her in the care of anyone.

(Nightmare, because dreams are supposed to be pink, soft, fluffy, and made of cotton-candy and everything nice)

Even now, as I sit here, I feel those little maternal instincts, that sense of love for this (nonexistent) little girl of mine.

And I empathise with all those who've been through the horror of having to conceal something like this from their loved ones.

Why, people? Why? Having a child should be the most joyous occasion of your life! You should have all your relatives with you, beaming at the sight of their first grandchild/niece etc. They should all be there, cooing at the sight of the precious little darling, making those cutesy-wutesy baby-talk.

You deserve to throw a big party to celebrate your baby turning one month old (in line with Chinese tradition).

You should have a loving husband by your side, looking in joyous wonder at the little angel he helped bring into this world.

You should be there every little step of the way for her. Her first few steps. First words. Schooling. Pre-teens. Horror teen years. All the way till you breathe your last. Then she will be there, mourning the passing of a wonderful mother.

What should not happen is this:

1. Having to hand your little girl over to some strangers to be adopted.

2.Not having a chance to watch her grow up, hug her, share in her most significant moments.

3.Feeling all sorts of regret because ONE moment of pleasure, ONE fleeting moment of carelessness resulted in a LIFETIME of sadness and guilt.

That's not the way life should be, girls out there. Not at all.

Why throw all you have away? Is it even worth it?

Not in my opinion.

So think about it. Think hard about it. And make wise choices.

Lead your life with no apologies.


At 9:22 AM, Blogger E said...

WoW~ wAt A PoST! :D CCcCCccOOoOOoLLllL!! iF CaRoL ReLI gOt BaBY RiTe... i can be d baby's god-father k !?!?!??! hHAhAHAhAA!!!!!!!!!!! UnLcE EdIsOn!! HAhahA! :Þ

At 11:44 AM, Blogger carol said...

idiot you. edison. :P you'd be a very bad influence. ahahahahaha....


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