Saturday, March 04, 2006

Once again, it's an internal battle. Should I post this? But ah well, I shall. If it speaks to you, then I've accomplished my purpose.

Over the course of the two years, beginning of three years I've been here in BigbadKl, various people have come up to me at different times, pointing out things in my life that aren't right. So many, in fact, that I have lost count.

I remember the first time it happened. I was in her car, and she was driving me back. At that point in time, I was quite new to the place - only a couple of months, I think. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she blurted out "Carol, why do you like to please people so much? Who do you really want to please? People or God?"

She continued to point out several things about me that I'd either not noticed, or didn't want to know. Oh, how I reacted.

"You don't know me well enough yet"
"You don't understand me"
"You have no right to say such things about me"
"I am not like that" I said.

When I arrived home, I proceeded to message several people, complaining about the sheer injustice of the situation. How could she accuse me of things like that? I received several replies, of which I took to be people agreeing with me. Hah! You want to think that about me? I'll show you!

Then I sat down to email her, listing out why she was wrong. She replied - I don't know what - but I remember thinking really hard about it.

Fast forward a few months. As I allowed God to work in my life, as I decided to really surrender myself to His Lordship, the truth hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I remember saying something one day, and as if I were a third person, I saw myself. And I realised how exactly accurate she was. Totally. And that coming from someone who'd only knew me for awhile.

I didn't rebel from that day on.

You see right, the people whom we've known for sometime could already be used to the way we are. So much so, they are probably immune to it. But it doesn't mean that we can stay that way. What about people who have just known us for awhile? What kind of impression is that? Yeah, sure, you could have a million and one sob stories to justify your character, but isn't all these a choice?

You have a choice to let go of it all, and change. I've known people who've been through immense tragedies in their life, but they didn't become bitter about it. It's all about choices.

People tell you because they care. Why should they otherwise? That's what we're called to do, especially as brothers and sisters. Point out things that could cause others to stumble. Things in our life that are not right in the eyes of God.

Love the sinner, but not the sin. Christ loves us just as we are, but at the same time, because He loves us, He wants us to change.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone and the new has come," 2Corinthians 5:17

The new has come! Let go of the old habits and mannerisms, they belong in the past. That painful past which Christ has since taken upon His own shoulders. Bring about a new change in attitude. Why cling on to the things of the past? Why let it hinder you from moving forward? It's not that He hasn't taken them away, the question is, have you really allowed Him to remove the past from you, or are you clinging on to it?

Why cling?

I care, that's why I let the people I care about know about things in their life that I feel isn't right. It's not that I want to go against you. You can be mad at me, but I'd rather you be mad at me than God at me. And the fact that I dare to do these kind of things show the changes in me, because Carol the People-Pleaser would NEVER, EVER have dared to say anything that would piss others off.

It's been two years here. And since, a lot of people, especially those I've known since long ago have remarked on how much I've changed. And once again, all the glory goes to God. I allowed Him to work in my life. Gold has to be put through fire in order for it to be so shiny and sparkling.

Why not you? Why react this way?

But in the same way no one ever gave up on me, in the same way so many people gave me grace, I will wait. I'm sorry you're not happy at me, but I had to do what I did. And I believe, I really believe, that one day you'll come to understand this. I'll never give up on you - you matter that much to me. It hurts me to see our friendship this way now, but love always never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Above all, love never fails. Remember that.