I need to rant. Well, not exactly rant but I'm really unhappy la.
My suspicions were right all along. You did misunderstand me. Your overblown ego mistook my kindness and care as more-than-friends feelings for you, and boy, are you ever wrong.
I just was nicer to you because I thought we had a good thing going. You were one of those guys whom I could talk to without feeling weird. I thought that you were going to be one of those close guy friends, you know?
Apparently you didn't think so.
Can't you see that you are just a friend to me? I'm sorry, but my attentions are elsewhere. What you think I feel for you, I actually feel for someone else. Someone whom I think is more deserving of those emotions. You? I'm sorry, you don't qualify.
How are we going to repair this friendship? Tell me, how?
I can't even talk normally to you anymore, and I hate the change of direction this friendship has taken.
God is telling me to forgive you, and grace you etc but I am finding that so hard to do. Eventually I will need to do so, I know that, but as of now, I still can't find the strength to do that.
How come this never hapenned with my other guy friends ler you tell me?
Very upset la, need more strength and grace from God.
Sometimes, some people are just so horribly bad, all you want to do is bring them on a, uh, visit to Jong's Crocodile Farm and leave them there. For good.
Maybe they would taste so bad, the crocs won't even want them. Pfft.
I, as of today la, hereby declare that this evening was the best evening I have had for, I dunno, a week, maybe?
Teehee.
After a cutting cloth session in that place, haha, I rushed to pick Lyne and Sam from Sam's house for a dinner/supper session. After some time, we decided on bla bla bla.
We reached there after I went to withdraw money at an ATM. It really is quite a lovely place, very tastefully decorated, I must say. All these little stepping stones thing over a man-made pool with fishes inside. We decided to sit upstairs. After a long tiem debating over what to order, (cocktails? No cocktails? - Didn't know what to order, because I don't know the difference between tequila, sunrise,margharita, and a whole bunch of other names - cake? No cake? Tiramisu? Creme brulee? (Nah. too puny) Crab? No crab?) we finally chose our food.
I took the lamb shank, Lyne the grilled lamb, and Sam the ostrich rolls. With an iced cappucino, iced chocolate, and iced lime juice. Settled on a single tiramisu for dessert.
The waitress gave us this look as we ordered the food and said, 'Are you sure you want to order all that? The helping is quite large, you know?'
Oh boy was she ever right. When the food came, our eyes almost popped out of their sockets. For starters, the plate was huge. And the food on the plate was a lot. We gave each other the 'we're supposed to finish THIS?!' look... and decided to move to a larger table to accomodate the food. Heh.
Food was great... Lyne's grilled lamb was quite superb, Sam's ostrich rolls were... heh.. NICE with melted cheese which we jakun-ly thought was ostrich meat.. goodness, how dumb can three girls get? Heh. My lamb shank was nice too, though i preferred Lyne's order. :D
But anyway, tonight was fun not because of the food (though that did help), it was the COMPANY!
So us girls just laughed and talked and caught up with each other... then Jason Wong arrived. Jase...haha... When he arrived, Lyne was standing up cutting the meat while we were seated. He took one look at the humongous plates surrounding us, looked at Lyne cutting the meat, and without missing a beat, became Jason.
"Eh, you eating lunch and dinner izzit?"
Lyne wanted to strangle him then and there. How's that as a greeting for someone you haven't seen for nine months? Lol...!
So yalah, naturally with Jase in the conversation, we laughed more, teehee, considering that his favourite joke punching-bag was there. (Lyne, not me). He just attacked from all angles la...super jahat, that Jason, but it was all in good fun, so Lyne, I know you don't mind right? Teehee.
Somehow or other (with a little help from Jason), we managed to stomach all the food, drinks, plus that tiramisu which they nearly forgot. Paid the bill, RM92.50, which works out to about RM31.00 per person, which is quite reasonable, really. Lyne chiaed the tiramisu... :P
Thanks Lyne!
Left in quite a hurry, because Sam and I both had 12am curfews, and Sam's is stricter than mine. Jase wanted to drive, because apparently his dad still does not trust him with the cae (haha!) so I let him. :) I do. Trust him with my car, that is. :P Besides, it is, uh, tradition that Jase drive while I sit and talk. Ha!
Sent Sam back, then went via Jln Stapok (dark, scary, wouldn't have gone that way if it weren't Jase driving or if her weren't in the car) to Lyne's place.
In front of Lyne's house, Jase announced his return to the whole of Lyne's neighbourhood, Taman How Ching, in classic Jason-style:
"ARLYNE!!!!!! BYE BYE!!!!!! BYE ARLYNE!!!!!!!!!"
While I tried to hide my face, laugh, and whisper 'Go! Go! Go!!!!!'
Jase is a riot.
Anyway, he drove back to his house... and the whole way back we had a typical post-Lyne's house conversation: serious. Quite la. Quite serious. Not so much hee-hee-ha-ha stuff... I think I've mentioned it before, once upon a time. Those are the only times I can properly talk to him.. kind of. Heh. That's why I like those times.
So I'm back!
Will be waking up super-early tomorrow to pay a visit to my cemetery because it's the 7th day of my grandma's passing. After that, I'll ask me parents if we can pop by Kenyalang for breakfast (Max highly recommends the laksa there). Then I think I'll be having lunch with Feli and Jess. :P
Yay more fun! :)
I'm quite confirmed for an evening flight tomorrow. Will not make it for VC, but hopefully can make it for Chinese service prac. AND THEN. Midnight in KL! :) That's really where I want to be this year la.
I really, really want to thank all of you guys here in Kuching for making this week such a memorably fun one for me, despite all the sad circumstances that brought me home. The laughter I've enjoyed, the memories I've collected... they're wonderful!
You guys are wonderful.
I will be back... at the end of the year. And then we'll go out some more okay? Lyne, get to KL in December and I will make sure you have a great time. Feli, get there too! As for everyone else, I'll see you guys end of december... like I've mentioned before.
*Huggiessss!!!!!!*
This is Daryl. He is a very talented animation student!
I've known Daryl since last year, but I only got to know him better this year, because he got saved and joined our spiritual family. :) Since then, I've really seen him change for the better... he really is quite a different character now! Not as moody and withdrawn as he used to be... :)
Anyway, Daryl's grandfather is really sick with lung cancer as is in the hospital now. Critical, according to Daryl just now. So do, do, pray for the healing and salvation of the grandfather ya! Especially the salvation part. :P
This is an artwork I requested from Daryl, based on the vision God gave me during The Contender camp. I need to remind myself of it, and not be trapped anymore.
The eagle symbolises me (and anyone who is in a similar situation, really). The chains are certain things that have been holding me down for a really long time. Look at how the eagle is sruggling. It wants to soar, soar high, but those nasty thick chains that go all the way into the ground are holding it back.
But look! The eagle finally decided that enough was enough. It looked towards the sky - towards God - and saw all that it was missing. It then realised also that the chains were not buried that deep, just that it wasn't trying hard enough to uproot the chains, furthermore, it wasn't counting on the strength of God.
It looked once more to the heavens, and gave one last fierce yank and - it was free! Throwing its head back, the eagle let out a cry of freedom and soared high into the sky - where it belonged. Free to fly, soar, and do all the things eagles are meant to do. No longer chained to the ground.
My quesion to you is this: Which eagle are you? Are you still struggling, or are you soaring high up in the skies?
I woke up feeling really horrible today. My head was spinning... my stomach felt funny, and I seriously thought I was going to blackout any moment.
My mum brought me to see this lady who can help me do one of my garments. She's some lady who runs a dressmaking institute in Palm Road. So I let her do one of my garments... as in she help me la. I'll also be going in tomorrow for the whole day to work on the garment as well.
Okay, don't get me wrong here but the lady was annoying. Annoying. When I said I didn't know how to use the manual sewing machine (you know, the super-old use your feet to push ones) she laughed! And that's not all! She laughed because I don't know the technical sewing terms in Mandarin! OI! Hello! I happened to learn it in English okay, why you want to feng ci me for that ha?
Grrr.....
Never mind, tolerate. Teehee.
Then the other one, I'm fixing the skirt while a friend of my mum is fixing the top. Thank God. And that lady is a heck lot nicer also... sigh...
Talking to PC on MSN now. Pressure la. Haha... she's asking me my vision and what I want to contend for now! *Sweats blood* Heh. Wait a minute though, something doesn't feel right. Is she talking to the right Carol here? After all, there are four Carolyns in ECF wor! :/ Hrmm.....
Eh she didn't get it wrong.
I wanna go back to KL asap! I don't want to miss out on amymore than I should! Plus PC just mentioned she's gonna be preaching this week (hrmm. Another heart-stabbing, thought-provoking message, I'm sure) so that's going to be so cool. :(
Okay la. Enough. Need to do base skirt. :) *hugs*
Ah well I'm back la. As in back to the Internet. Not KL.
Everything's been done, the funeral has been conducted, my grandma's officially buried somewhere near 7th Mile (The Anglican Cemetery there), and we are officially (trying to) move on with life.
I'm moving la. That's for sure. Some other people, like, my, uh, aunty, erms, not so much la. But it's okay.
I met up with cousins I've not seen, seen relatives I didn't know existed, basically it was good la. We reminisced, and obviously cried la. I did, and it was only at the funeral that I did. Before that I didn't and I bet people thought I was made of stone of something. Eh, excuse me, I cried buckets in KL already okay. When I got the news, in college, on the way home, while watching the Miracle Box...
Grandma would want us to move on with life! And she definitely wouldn't kick up a big hoo-ha over whether my cousin's shirt was green or yellow. Unlike some other people la.
It was very much GREEN, by the way. *Rolls eyes*
Anyway. There are two very special people I want to thank! *Big cheesy grin*
**Drumroll please**
FELI AND JESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These two ultra-lovely people (oh I know, your toenails are blushing..) came to the wake at my grandma's place and entertained me for a good while there. It was definitely a typical Feli-Jess-Carol conversation i.e. loads of rubbish la but it was GOOD rubbish! You know, like biodegradable rubbish. It doesn't harm the environment! :p And we went out for a McDonald's dinner today... after a lot of debating over where to go... tsks.. heh.
Oh, Jase is back in Kuching. So we went out for a laksa breakfast today. To Feli and Jess: Do Not Judge A Laksa By Its Prawns (their saying)... hrmm, you just might have a point there. They gave me puny prawns today... and only three! Lousy.
But I'm digressing. Anyway. I woke up late... Jase had to call me! Tsks. So after the morning blah I picked him up and went to Golden Arch. A normal Jase-Carol get-together la. Talking, talking... rubbish... talking... catching up... being teased incessantly... talking... It was good. It's been too long. :) And Jase lost weight, therefore his already girly features were enhanced. :D So pretty!
*vomits blood*
Teehee.
Visited Pizza Junction with my family and cousins today. *Gives a huge thumbs-up* VERY NICE!!!! I like it! The thin-crust pizza was nice! :D
Can you believe I went for McDonald's again after that? I can feel my arteries clogging up and my cholesterol level zooming up....
Kuching is bad for my health. Heh.
Mmm. A big CONGRATS and a pre-CONGRATS to the Form 6 students on their state of liberty! Haha! You guys have been chained up for so long, relish your freedom! :D
Going back to KL latest by Thursday. There's Vision Casting that day, and on Friday there's a Campus Champs meeting. Plus it is a very speshul day for BadBoyJoe and I, lol. So yealah. I wanna be in KL for that....
By the way, I think the New Zealand trip is cancelled... for this year. My parents are not keen on going after all that's happened, and plus they don't really want people to talk too much la. I kind of understand, some more the date we're scheduled to be in Kiwi Land coincides with the one-month anniversary of my grandma's passing. Therefore...
But then right, we just might be there for CNY, hurray! And that's also because my parents don't want to have CNY here (plus some don't-celebrate-CNY-after-a-death-in-the-family rubbish thing) so we would most prolly be in NZ then. The tickets must be used by March.
I asked my mum if she could change my ticket for Melbourne..or OUR tickets for Melbourne so I can be at the PlanetShakers Conference. Heh. But cannot. :( So New Zealand it is!
Don't want to bore you. Bye! :P
John 19:30 ".....It is finished...."
And so it is.
My grandma went Home around 20minutes ago. I think I know the exact moment she left, cos I called my mum to ask her how grandma was doing. Five minutes later, I got The Call.
I'm flying back tomorrow morning, not tonight as I don't want to rush like last time. Bringing back my assigns. Let tailor do or whatever.
Lecturer don't want to postpone assessment, so GAH to them, the college etc. I'll just hand up my work.
Thanks for your prayers, everyone.
It could well happen anytime, any moment now.
My dad called me up when it was almost noon. My grandma was in a worse way, he said. Deterioration. Huh, 'What does she mean,' you ask? Well, before this, she was in a critical but stable condition [Once again, whatever that means.], so I asked the doctor more. He said that she was 'stable' meaning that she wasn't deteriorating, but neitherwas her condition improving. Just there, you know?
But now. The word is deterioration. Grandma's on a ventilator, remember? The vent is pumping in 50% pure oxygen into her lungs, of which she's supposed to get 90% and above, the more the better. The machine beeps if it goes below 86%. When I was home, she was registering 90% and above quite consistently, except for a few worrying moments when it was in the 80s. My dad tells me she's consistently in the 80s now. Her heart rate shouldn't be more than 110, really, but dad says it's 120+ consiatently. All bad signs.
Dad also said that grandma was sleeping most of the time... unconscious.She was awake quite some when I was home! :(
So Dad called me and asked me to speak to grandma over the phone, just to let her hear me. So I talked to her with my limited command of Hakka, and then switched to Mandarin. I didn't know what to say, so I just asked her to stay strong, give praise to God and remember that He is always, always with her. Then my cousin who's in Kulai (I think) spoke to her through my uncle's phone.
If it does happen, I'm going to be flying home again lor. And if it happens before my Monday assessment, too bad lor. Bring back fabric and dump in tailor's shop, regardless of the price. No choice! I don't want also, but I do need to be prepared for that eventual possibility, right?
Going to college later to print out my computer work and also to buy infraboards so I can mount my computer work.
Finally moved out everything yesterday, so my new house is quite a mess at the moment. After I finished moving everything with the help of Chiam, Faith and BeeSean, it was like, 1am plus plus. Then I did my drafting work with a little help from Chiam... she left at 4+am. I continued my work till 7.30 when my eyes were dying and slept till 10am....
Sigh. I'm worried...... again.
Oh according to Lizzie, certain influential people in my life [read: leader] read this blog. Eh? WOI! SCARED OKAY! INTIMIDATING OKAY!
Not to say anything la, but.. it feels like... I dunno, feel vulnerable, I guess. Because this blog has my honest thoughts mah. Of course I got a more private one lar but that's my Diary, so fat chance of you getting your hands on it, people. Heh.
Erms, if *you* are one of them, hor, uh, well, I pretend I don't know you pretend you don't know also can? Unless it's really important? Okaylah, most of the time I don't mind it when people approach me about this... but... still SCARY LA, understand? :/
K, gotta run. Wonder where I'll be the next time I update. Thank God I have an open return ticket to Kuching.
I'm back. And in college.
They are only giving me till Monday. That's good, I suppose, considering that everyone else only has till tomorrow, but I still wish I had more time. But blah, never mind.
But some lecturers, who have obviously been too stressed-out are refusing, for example, the very lovely Textile Studies lecturer.
"No, I don't care. Tomorrow's the last day. You students have been too lazy yakkity yakkity yak yak....."
Gah. Okay. Whatever. I can't give it to her tomorrow, that's for sure, so too bad. Maybe I'll just fail Textile Studies then. Gah, gah, gah.
Argh, super-duper the stressed out, irritated and annoyed... plus I haven't totally finished moving house yet... there's still 20%. I still have my wardrobe (that's bursting at its hinges) and all the various paperwork rubbish I've accumulated over the two years I've been in A-08-03.
I can't wait for this horrible situation to be over.....
Right now, I really hate detest the college. Not that I've ever loved it anyway. Stupid college.
*Gives a shy smile*
I've been blogging for four years liaw leh. Can you believe it?
Want to watch me as I grow up... starting when I was 15 and extremely immature? Go there and read my archives. I just resurrected them.
I started at Diaryland around December 2001, moved to Multiply sometime at the beginning of last year, and ended up here not too long ago. Nah. Go poke around my history and have fun.
And see how I've changed... how the Potter's been moulding the clay....
Don't laugh too hard when you read them... you know you were where I was too, once upon a time. :D
Will you.....
Allow me to go all emo for the moment? It's just this once, I promise. I seldom emo. Really. And even when I do, I do it alone. As extroverted as I may seem, I'm a very private person.
So I'll emo for a while, okay? Don't hold it against me, please. It's just that when I'm sitting alone here at home on my last night in Kuching, I get a chance to type things that I seldom type.
So it begins here:
Why do you always seem so cold? Or maybe it's me? I keep asking myself if it's worth it, whether what I'm feeling is worth it. I've spent seven freakin' years on one person before, I'm not going to repeat the same mistake. I see you being oh-so-happy-friendly with everyone, but the moment I open my mouth to talk to you, I feel like I'm talking to a rock instead. A cold, hard rock. Why?
You. We had something good going there for awhile. There was a real chance of a normal, happy friendship. But you obviously got the wrong ideas. And now things are different. Can they please go back to those happy, teasing days? I miss those days. I promise I wouldn't go all D on you anymore. I don't like being a D either.
I miss you. I miss being able to talk to you on the phone for many crazy hours about goodness-knows-what. I do get to talk to you now, but it's so infrequent I grab onto any opportunity and treasure it, because talking to you has become such a rarity. And God knows seeing you is even more so.
You have been a part of my memory since my childhood. I can hardly find one memory that does not have you and our good times. I loved all the planning, the talking, the going-outs... and I particularly remember that Christmas when you playfully tried the Santa hat on me. What treasured moments.
And you, my friend, have never failed to make me laugh, and how I thank God for you. Those tough moments right at the beginning of last year? If you weren't around to do your goofy stunts over the phone to make me laugh, I don't know where I'd be today.
You, definitely rank right up there as one of the most reliable and amazing people I know. Your patience with helping someone who was as blurred-out at the keyboards like me was... well... let's just say I don't think I could do it if I were you. And thank you so much for that.
Oh, I'm sure that a good few of you guys would more or less be able to figure out who these people are.... who knows, I could even be referring to you!
Let's make this work, shall we? Life definitely needs to be made a lot less complicated.
Platonic friendships can and do exist, believe it or not. I have proof! *Gives baby a hug* Heh.
*Note: Baby can't read this because * does not read blogs. Ha. Unless they belong to *certain* people.... or unless certain people tell that I mentioned *!
But anyways, whatever it is, I seriously, seriously, do miss you, my newly-mobile friend.
Okay, emo time over! *Big grin*
I just saw this from the PostSecret site and it totally broke my heart.
Please, everyone out there, be smart. You don't want to have a secret like this one day.
I speak for myself.
I just went to visit my grandma for the last time before I go back tomorrow. Leaving the hospital was hard, as I really didn't want it to be the last time I see her alive.
I held her hand and explained to her that I am going back tomorrow... I know she heard me, but she couldn't respond as the ventilator that is inserted into her trachea prevents her from talking.
The family photos that we finally got around to taking when I came back in August for my cousin's wedding are finally done. Grandma looks so healthy in there, yet I know how hard it was for her to walk up those 3 flights of stairs to the top floor of the studio.
Anyway. Don't want to talk too much sad stuff. No fun that way.
I shall, instead, write about how Sweet Home Alabama has gone somewhere to the top5 in my 'Favourite Movies' list.
*Swats away would-be-detractors* Oh, pfft to you guys. Don't give me all that 'Sweet Home Alabama is a crap romantic comedy with the most predictable storyline on earth.'
Who cares if it's a predictable storyline. I like predictable storylines. They are so ultra predictable yet I still tear when I watch it. That's why they work, silly. People still fall for it. Ever wondered how conmen can repeat the same con and still get away with it? It's the same here, sweethearts.
Oh, oh and Josh Lucas who acts as Jake in the show? Fuih. That is one hot guy. He, too, has made my hot guys list. Who wants the boring Andrew character when there is the drooliciously-sweet 'I wanna marry you so I can kiss you anytime I want' redneck Jake?
Admit it, girls, we all like the bad boys/unpredictable ones. The normal, boring guys? Pfft. Boring. No adventure at all. Goodness, he probably has his socks placed in alphabetical order and in the colours of the rainbow.
Boring, boring, boring. Someone like Andrew wouldn't sweep Melanie of her feet, in a designer wedding gown in a rain-soaked field somewhere in the boondocks of Alabama. And that adventure is what we girls crave.
If you're not one of them, you're BORING. Ha.
But of course, when we get down to it, said badboy has got to prove that he can be steady person as well. Sure, he can have his adventurous times, but eventually, girls still want steadiness in their life. Guys too. They drool over Pamela Anderson, but we all know that the one they really want to marry is JillNextDoor. Because JillNextDoor is the one who would have dinner ready on the table when BadBoy comes back. Pammy girl, on the otherhand, would be too busy having her manicure to bother with mediocre tasks like dinner. 'There's always Chinese takeout, honey!' while being careful to not let a single drop of Elizabeth Arden blood-red nail polish drip onto the table.
Mmm. Badboys. I like.
I think, that when I get back, I am going to go off to Speedy and Jusco to look for the original copy of Sweet Home Alabama. I like Reese Witherspoon too! I think she's really an American Sweetheart.
Anyway. Enough for today la. The next time I post, I'd most probably be in college or Roy/Aaron's place. Hurray.
Update. I might, most probably might be going back to KL on Wednesday. Assessment day.
My maternal grandma's been coughing (she flew here from KL to see my paternal grandma), and my mum's worried. I can hardly blame her, with what's been going on, we're all paranoid and on the edge.
So we're considering a flight, for both my grandma and I to KL, noon, Wednesday. But it's not confirmed yet.
Correction. Possibly early morning, 9-ish am on a MAS flight. Open ticket, so we can go anytime we want.
Should I make mine a return, with coming back an open ticket as well? Just in case?
I finally came clean with my mum and explained the whole messed up assessment issue. And Lizzie told me that Aaron and BadBoyJoe suggested I write a letter to college explaining and asking them to extend my deadline. I drafted the letter already. Might slip in the medical diagnosis as well, to please the idiots in the college.
Did I mention that I absolutely loathe LUCT? That money-sucking college?
I suppose Wednesday it is then. Back to KL. Back to life, my second home..... and leaving a world of worries here. I know I'll be permanently on the edge when I'm there. You never know how things are going to happen.
Worried, worried, worried. But Lizzie keeps reminding me of Romans 8:28. Look at how the tables have turned. It used to be me going, 'Hey, Romans 8:28 okay?' to her.
I don't care if you're sick of hearing me say this, but thank God for spiritual family.
This is going to be a brutally honest post. It is going to be fraught with emotion. If I were still my old self, it could well be full of swear words. But it won't be. Because I'm not my old self anymore. But still, raw emotion.
I am scared for my semester. There. I've said it. Are you satisfied yet, knowing that I might fail?
I hate failure. I really do. Right from that first moment I scored that 7 in my very first Add Maths test. Carol - failed!
Yes, maybe I looked upset in school. But heck, you don't know half the story. You don't know the beating my pride got when I realised that that was it. Carol has become a fail student. From a relatively good student to a fail student.
So then I bucked up. Because I was determined to not be labelled as a failure any longer. Hooray! SPM was not bad.
In those times, I had control. I knew that if I really tried, I could do it. But now?
I can't do zilch about the black hole my semester is headed to. I can't do ANYTHING about the fact that the frigging assessment is on Wednesday and I can't be there. Do you know how terrified I am about the prospect of failing? I AM SCARED, DARN IT!
You just might as well slap a bright neon sign on me that says 'Failure of FRD4'
I am doing my boards here, yes, but there's the whole issue of the sewing thing waiting for me in KL. I've missed out on 5 work days now, thats 120hours of work. Do you know what can be done in 120 hours? Failure can be averted, that's what.
I sat in one of the little courtyards in GH just now and just cried. The stress was just piling down on me. This is the first time I've cried since coming home. I didn't cry the day I got the phone call, as I was making the arrangements etc. I almost did, but I didn't.
I didn't cry when my dad did because he was scared of losing his mum. Neither did I when my sister cried.
But today. Today, with all the stress of my grandma becoming weaker and weaker, and the looming Wednesday deadline, I broke down. I completely broke down.
I hate failure. I can't stand it. And I hate the idiotic college which refuses to understand and allow me to have my assessment later on. What the heck is wrong with them. Oh, maybe if I give them some money they'll allow that to happen. After all, we are talking about money-sucking LUCT here, aren't we?
I have classmates who do zilch work every semester, but just because they go to the assessment with a garment they didn't sew themselves, they pass. I have people who've had their deadlines extended by TWO FRIKIN WEEKS and yet still did not opt to grab ahold of that chance and pass. They deserve to fail.
I don't.
I don't friking deserve to fail because I am a student who goes to all my classes, minus the few I've skipped...and my occasional lateness. I hand up my assignments on time. I do my work well.
But you see, those little things only constitute, oh say, 40% of the entire semester. Which in itself is NOT ENOUGH, darn it, because the other 60% comes from the assessment.
Meaning that I could be the largest slacker on earth for a good part of the semester, appear during assessment with a tailor-made garment, and a friend-done presentation board and still pass. Now which part of this makes sense to you?
PC is super strict about the people who serve in 1am. If our grades go anywhere below a C, poof, that's it. We're on probation. Cannot serve until we pull it up. How? How, you tell me?
Where am I going to show my face huh? Carol does not fail!
I am so scared, darn it. Why can't this just be a bad dream? And why at this time of my semester? God, why? Why did You choose to allow this to happen at this super-crucial part of my semester?
I just want to hide under my flowered comforter in my new room in Vista Prima and wish that all these were just a bad dream.
I want to be back in KL, where I feel like I belong. I want to be one of those lunatics who go for a yum cha session at 2am in the morning. I want to press the elevator button and tap my foot impatiently as the slowest elevator on earth arrives.
I want to be able to go over to Aaron's place and just hang out. Talking to the people there, being bullied, but hey, at least I'm happy.
I want to wait for the 21 Metrobus that takes 40minutes to complete a 10minute journey to church. I want to get off that bus, walk 300metres to the church, press that oh-so-familiar button and wave crazily at the security camera as I wait for them to buzz me in.
I want to walk into the church office, say hi to Sharon, PC, NaiYee, and Steven. Walk pass pastor's room and give him a wave. Kel's office.
Go into the sanctuary and fiddle around with the Karma. Tinkle on the Roland. Yak with Nai Chen at the soundbooth.
Jump around during SNL, cheer during the word. Socialise with people before heading off for supper at Everyday. Coming home, and watching a little TV, yak with Lizzie before settling down for a night's work.
In short, I want to be anywhere but here.
God grant me the strength.....
So I was just scouting around when I came across this BBC personality test thing. Being the extremely inquisitive person that I am, I TOOK THE TEST! (So what else is new, huh? Haha..) And below...are the results!
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Tadah!!!!!
Results
Your answers suggest you are a Mentor
The four aspects that make up this personality type are:
Planner, Facts, Hearts and Extrovert
Summary of Mentors
* Warm and lively people who focus on the needs of others
* Bring people together and encourage group participation
* Think of themselves as intelligent, outgoing and sensitive
* May become overbearing in their quest for harmony
More about Mentors
Articulate, lively and enthusiastic, Mentors spend time and energy fostering relationships and encouraging personal growth in others. They are extremely sensitive to people's needs and play a central role in families and social groups.
Mentors have changed jobs least since leaving full-time education, according to a UK survey.
Mentors love to bring people together in harmony and enjoy busy, active lives. However, their warm nature may mean they have trouble making tough decisions that affect others negatively.
In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Mentors may focus too much on the needs of others. Under extreme stress, Mentors may be troubled by unusually critical thoughts about themselves and others.
Mentors readily see the best traits in others, but may have trouble recognizing personality faults.
Mentor Careers
Mentors are often drawn to jobs where they can help people develop their potential.
It's important to remember that no survey can predict personality type with 100 percent accuracy. Experts say that we should use personality type to better understand ourselves and others, but shouldn't feel restricted by our results.
Read about the 16 personality types from the What Am I like? Personality test.
Ekekeke.... Mentor, eh? Interesting banyak.
Just fyi, I completed my concept board already, with the help of Photoshop CS2! *Hugs Photoshop* I finally found a bundled pack with Photoshop CS2, Illustrator CS2 and InDesign CS2! I am so happy! And that was after I went to Kenyalang, Kuching Plaza, and Saberkas! I finally found it in a small shop in Saberkas, which only has 2 small baskets of software CDs, and I found it there! Haha!
Yalah. Obviously I am very happy la.
But then there's still the question on how to make my assessment.*broods*
NEVERMIND! I will not let crappy LUCT disturb my mood! Ha!
Off to do my mood board! :D
Seeing that I have Streamyx at home, not sleepy just yet, I will talk.
I want to spearhead a campaign to wipe out all pesky bugs on the face of the earth. Like mosquitos, cockroaches and pesky siblings or relatives sandflies.
I have a grand total of 8 mosquito bites on me right now. That's more than I've received in an entire year. My house is mosquito-infested.
So I went around in a futile hunt for insecticide. Then I woke the helper up, and asked her to look in the dining room and kitchen for me. I didn't want to go in there because there are roaches there at night and I am mortally scared of those horrid creatures.
She only came up with a bottle of Shieldtox cockroach kill. I took it gladly, figuring that if it can kill those icky bugs, surely mosquitos would be susceptible to it!
I then went on a spraying spree...under the computer table, desk, all the little nooks and crannies. Forgetting that I needed to be at those very areas.
So now I'm breathing in cockroach spray. If I were a roach I'd be twitching around on the floor, upside down, waving my six icky legs frantically around in the air...
*Eeek* Okay. Enough cockroach talk. *Glances around warily*
Since the bites were super duper itchy, I rubbed my allergy cream on them, as well as propolis. Yah. The real thing. Not the golden gel you find in Colgate Propolis. Real propolis is slightly green, and smells likes Chinese medicine. So no, Lizzie, I don't think ants would want to eat them. Just because it comes from a beehive doesn't mean it's sweet okay. Just like how just because I'm such a wonderful person doesn't mean all the people in my family tree are, HAHA.
It's less itchy now, but I'll need to bathe in approximately 5 hours time to get the stink off.
Okay I ran out of things to ramble about. *Dabs more propolis on skin* Bet you're wishing I'll run back to KL soon so you wouldn't need to go through this kind of tortuous reading.
Or you could just press Alt-F4! :D
Okay, I'm calmer now. I just needed to rant.
SNL, I miss you. People in KL, I miss you guys loads, and I wanna give all of you a huge HUG for the support you've been sending me across the South China Sea.
I want to be in any situation other than the one I have now - that of a very sick grandma, with a deadline on Wednesday looming over my head.
If you want me to be totally honest, this whole situation could very well screw up my entire semester, because the policy in LUCT is 'miss the assessment and fail the semester'.
But heck, if you're asking me to leave my family at this crucial moment so that I can fly back to KL.... you're jolly well mistaken. Fail me if you will. I don't mind repeating this semester, because I didn't learn much, anyway. Not when I'm in this crappy class with ultra-slow people.
Anyway. My uncle just called with the news that grandma has developed a fever. Crap. I should have mentioned it to the nurses earlier. Her forehead felt hot, but the temperature control (friggin' machine) claimed she had a normal temperature. Pfffttt.... Nothing beats the palm-against-forehead temperature test okay! ;)
Anyway, I kept vigil at the hospital yesterday night with my dad. And after a nap at home from 9+ till noon, I went around town in an effort to salvage my semester. Went back to the hospital around 4.00pm, and I've been there since then.
I've met a cousin sister whom I never knew existed, and seen relatives I've not seen for more than a decade. People have been popping out from all corners of the globe, or at least, SouthEast Asia to see my grandmother.
God, thank You so much for sustaining me through this trying time. I place everything into Your loving hands.
Making an early trip to the hospital tomorrow befoe going to church. After that, a trip downtown to salvage more of my semester. Then the hospital again.
I'm trying to download Illustrator CS from download.com, but it's taking an eternity to download the 151.1mb file. I should try to search for the software tomorrow when I'm in town.
Nothing much to write, about really. I've never seen my grandmother in the helpless state she's in at the moment. She's got so many tubes fed into her body, and the only reason she's still alive is because of the ventilator they've gotten her hooked up to. She lies there on the bed, only capable of blinking, nodding, shaking, and beating her hands against the bed when she's frustrated. And how it breaks my heart.
All those 'what if' and 'why didn't I' questions are plaguing me, but there really isn't much I can do about it, right? I wouldn't let those questions and guilt hold me hostage. Sure, there is more I could have done, perhaps, but I know I've done my best.
In this time when emotions run high and tempers are short, I need to be strong. Strong for my father who is distraught by the possibility of him losing his mother, strong for my mum who has been going to and fro the hospital while having to balance a busy schedule for her own work. Strong for my sister who's only 13 and slightly terrified at the prospect of her first close encounter with death in a while.
Meimei, sorry for not listening to you just now.
Lord, please grant me the strength that comes from you alone.
It's amazing really, how when the whole family is trying to pull together to stay strong for my grandmother, how one, immature, idiotic character can be so selfish.
For goodness' sake, woman, you are at least 60 years old. You have been irresponsible, immature, selfish, rude, and conniving for the 19 years I've been alive. What on earth is your problem?
You are the eldest child in the family, yet you are the most irresponsible one. You are the one who always shirks responsibility, and yet has the gall to push the blame onto the shoulders of the very people who have borne your responsibility. And you also have the nerve to say that my father does not do enough for the family.
HELLO, EXCUSE ME?!!!! WTHECK ARE YOU IMPLYING?! My father has done more for the entire family than YOU have. He does all the stuff you don't want to do. He's the one who ferries my grandmother to and fro the hospital, clinic, waits on her, helps her. And he darned well has a family in us, for crying out loud. You, on the other hand, are a 60+ year old spinster who shirks her responsibility.
So I would advise you to please just shut that gap of yours, because we don't need any more of that poison that bursts forth from your mouth.
We don't need you aiming your poisoned barbs at my mum by saying she wants to hurt my father because you thought she brought laksa for my father. My mum brought chicken rice and a tau sa pau, for goodness sake. Did you bring anything, *insert your own choice of words here*?
NO.
Are you the one who's been staying in the hospital and keeping vigil over your ailing mother? NO. So don't you dare point fingers at anyone.
I hate strongly dislike your poisoned guts, woman, and I've been trying very hard to be nice and forgiving to you all these while.
God, when you said that about my mum this morning, I so felt like throwing you down from the 6th floor where my grandmother is warded down to the ground floor, right in front of the Accident and Emergency department.
And that would have been merciful on my part, you, because my evil self was whispering, 'Why A&E? Why not push her over so she falls right in front of the morgue?'
Shut that gap of yours woman, your words are not welcome.
*Note: I would write a nicer post when I'm in a calmer mood. And please do not use this post against me. Wait till you meet her. Oh, you'd want to do just that (and more), trust me.
Just fyi, my grandmother's still not doing too well. I'd say she's on borrowed time. It breaks my heart to see her in such suffering.
Oh, yes. I am so this.
So why do you keep disappointing me by being so aloof? Or maybe I'm the one who's cold, that's why you react in the same manner.
Back to work.
| The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to good manners and elegance.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
Mmm. More stuff.
| You're an Passionate Kisser |
For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble |
| You Are 70% Boyish and 30% Girlish |
You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be. |
OH YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME......!!!!!!!
| How You Life Your Life |
You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable. |
Hmmmmmm.....
| Your Kissing Purity Score: 97% Pure |
You've hardly ever been kissed
But the kisses you've given are very missed |
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
| You Are a Little Scary |
You've got a nice edge to you. Use it. |
| Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage |
You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to! |
| How You Are In Love |
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to take more than give in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
OKAY CAROL! ENOUGH!
Oh I forgot to add in that I am mildly frustrated as well because I can't even do my graphics assignments here.
My pen drive's with Lizzie, with all my Illustrator files inside. Not that actually having them here would do me any good - I have no Illustrator here in my home PC. And I'm used to Illustrator CS2! :D
So all I can settle is sourcing for tons and tons of images related to my designs on google so that I can go back and immediately put my concept board, mood board etc together.
I will not screw up this semester like the last. I don't care what it takes, it simply will not happen.
I want to hug you, you, you, and you but I can't because you guys are a million miles away........
Feli, your earphones have arrived.
Oh and yes, please forgive me if my entries start getting emo, jiwang, etc. It comes with the circumstances.
I'm in Kuching. I got called back.
Nothing major has happened la, but the fact that my parents called me back shows that it might happen lor.
My grandma has been discharged from Normah (the ultra-super-uber-expensive private hospital) and has been tranferred to Sarawak General Hospital.
My family has forked out enough in medical bills to buy you me a car. And not just a kancil, mind you.
So I'm here, and I'm screwed because my assesment is next Wednesday and I don't know if I can make it back. And they definitely wouldn't assess me any other day, the idiots, because that's just the way LUCT works.
I'm missing a meeting with Tan Sri Orang Utan with the rest of the fashion department.
I'm not going to meet up with Jason Wong Yung Swee who is finally back in Malaysia.
Planetshakers? Nah. Not anymore. The outreach tomorrow is still happening though, and I'll be keeping them in prayer.
SNL this week, Sunday service....
But family comes first at the moment, obviously.
I want to thank God for my spiritual family. I love them so much.
Thanks to Max, who came over to be there for me though I never told him anything. He found out from BadBoyJoe.
Hugs to BadBoyJoe for driving me to the ERL station though he just woke up when I called him, despite him being late, and despite us getting lost for a while there in Putrajaya.
A forced hug to the unhuggable Lizzie, who's always been there for me. The girl is amazing.
Loads and loads of hugs and kisses to Sharon Tai Ka Che and Ally Ka Che for being who they are - my leaders.
I haven't been to the hospital yet to visit my grandma, it's past visiting hours, and my parents don't want my grandma to get overly excited, whatever that means. My mum told me that my grandmother was happy that she has been transferred to GH. I think she knows what a huge hole in our pockets Normah was burning. Plus, there wasn't much improvement there.
A lot of my relatives have come and gone. Relatives from KL and Singapore have popped down for a few days to visit my grandma (I think they suspect it was their last chance lor), and I just sent a mail to a relative in Canada on behalf of my mum.
And yes, a great big shout of THANKS goes to the love of my life, my Saviour, best friend and Father: God! He's been giving me so much strength to handle all this, I don't know where I'll be without Him.
God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.....
I love each and everyone of you guys out there. I love the ways you guys can make me smile even when I'm down, laugh when I want to cry, and just brighten up my days. I love the way we are Contenders, and contend for more of God.
I love the support I receive from all of you guys. The prayers that I've received. I love the fact I can just go downstairs at weird hours, knock on your doors, and have you guys up immediately to help me move... or fix up my table...
Message from BadBoyJoe: My pleasure. We are family. :)
Oh yes we are, indeed.
Will keep you guys posted. But please do continue to pray for my family. We're going to need all the strength God can give us - which will definitely be more than we'll EVER need! That's how great God is okay! :)
I'm back!
First off, church camp was fantastic. But I wouldn't elaborate today. There's something else I must talk about.
After intercession for college just a while ago, Max and Chua were...like...attacked.
My discernment score super low wan. So I didn't sense anything...goodness...but aaron did. I was just sitting at the computer when suddenly Aaron started praying for both of them. They were like, rooted to the floor where they were sitting, kinda paralysed. Chua said that he had been like that for about 10mins...since intercession, and at one point, he couldn't hear anything. So we prayed. Rebuked.
Then Chua was fine, but not Max. More praying and rebuking. We started worshipping...City Harvest's "Come Holy Spirit" and 1a.m.'s "Holy Spirit Come". It was seriously a time of just praying, worshipping and rebuking.
It's hard to describe, really. But I guess what I want to say is that the spiritual realm is so real. The devil will use any small crack...small hole to gain a foothold in your life. So be on guard, everyone. Watch and pray, like what Jesus exhorted his disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Max is fine now, but we're still praying in Spirit. We can never stop praying, right?
Flu has struck me again. :(
Anyway, The Contender camp is tomorrow (Thursday)! I am super-duper excited: My first church camp here + first time going to PD (I think I'll be disappointed haha) and many many other things!!!
Yalah, so I'm excited. Don't rain on my parade okay.
Three people will be crashing in my house tomorrow - Tepoho, Kefilwe (From Botswana, hence the interesting names) and Christy. They stay in Millenium, so need to crash here in VP so that we can all leave at 7.45am on Thursday as bright, happy campers! :D
Anyway, most of us in-the-final-stages-of-semester people from LUCT will be bringing our assignments with us. I doubt I'll get to use anyone's laptop, though, so I'm slaving away trying to finish my illustrations and reports. Then I'll bring the sewing stuff there to do.
Haha! I suppose you wouldn't be hearing anything from me from Thursday till Sunday then. Tell me to have fun, wouldn't you? ;)
Oh, by the way, Lizzie and I move next week! :D
